“And what are those there?” he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.

“Raisins,” says the saleswoman, “but they’re not for sale.”


Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet–who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said.  “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”


Hereafter
On a pastoral visit, the young minister asked the elder lady if she was
concerned about the hereafter. To which she stated, “Oh my goodness yes.
I think about it everyday when I come out to the kitchen and then say to
myself, now what am I here after.”


The Congregation Replied
Down in the south, there are many churches known as “answer back” churches.  When the preacher says something, and the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better.  He said, ”If this church is to become better, it must take up it’s bed, and walk.”  The congregation said, “Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk.”

Encouraged by their response, he went further.  “If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it’s hindrances and run!”  The congregation replied, “Let it run, preacher, let it run!”

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.  “If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it’s wings and fly!”  “Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!” the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder.  “If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!”

The congregation replied.  “Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk.”


Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. 
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said.

“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.

“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”


18-Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler.  At every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.  After seeing this at several intersections in a row, the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop, the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.  The motorist went up to him and said,  “I don’t mean to be nosy, but why do you keep banging on that door?”

The trucker replied, ”Sorry, can’t talk now.  I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit.  I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!”

Found Cell Phone
When a customer left his cell phone in my store,
I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom”, and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”


Tea Service
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am.  I was maybe 1 and a half years old, and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken.  Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. 

After several cups of tea, and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.  My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!!’ 

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??’


Only in America
Where else can you walk out of your mortgaged home,
step into a time payment car,
and drive down a bonded highway on credit card gas,
to charge something at a going out of business sale.